Words That Hurt: What Not to Say to a Grieving Person

Grieving is an inherently personal and multifaceted experience, and the impact of words in this context cannot be overstated. This article seeks to guide navigating conversations with someone in grief, particularly focusing on phrases and expressions to avoid, drawing on the expertise and insights from professionals in hospice care and grief support.

When someone is grieving, they are often in a state of emotional turmoil, experiencing a range of feelings that can include sadness, anger, confusion, and isolation. It’s crucial to approach conversations with sensitivity and a deep sense of empathy. Hospice care professionals who regularly interact with individuals and families experiencing profound loss emphasize the importance of mindful communication. They caution against the use of clichéd expressions or platitudes that can come across as dismissive or insensitive.

One common mistake is trying to find a silver lining in the situation, such as saying, “At least they lived a long life” or “They’re in a better place now.” While these phrases are often meant to provide comfort, they can minimize the feelings of the bereaved, implying that their loss is less significant. Similarly, attempting to relate by sharing personal loss experiences, though well-intentioned, can shift focus away from the grieving person’s feelings to your own, which might not be helpful in that moment.

Grief counselors often suggest that simply being present and listening is more valuable than any words we might offer. Offering a listening ear without judgment or the urge to fix the situation can be a profound source of comfort. It’s about acknowledging the pain and the reality of the loss, rather than trying to offer quick solutions or dismiss the grief.

In addition, it’s important to avoid making assumptions about how the grieving person should be feeling or reacting. Phrases like “You should be feeling…” or “It’s time to move on” impose a timeline on someone’s grief, disregarding the deeply personal nature of their grieving process. Everyone grieves differently, and what might be a helpful approach for one person can be distressing for another.

Practical support can also be a valuable form of comfort. Offering to help with everyday tasks or just being there to share a moment can speak volumes more than words. It’s a way of showing that you are there for them, ready to support them in whatever way they need.

Navigating conversations with a grieving individual requires a blend of sensitivity, empathy, and respect for their unique experience. By avoiding certain phrases and focusing on empathetic listening and practical support, we can provide a comforting presence to those in mourning. This approach, endorsed by hospice care and grief support professionals, helps create a space where the bereaved can feel understood and supported in their journey through grief.

Grief is an inherently complex and deeply personal experience, varying significantly from one individual to another. It is not a linear process but rather a journey that encompasses a wide spectrum of emotions. People in grief may experience intense sadness, profound anger, unexpected guilt, and even deep-seated confusion. These emotions can fluctuate and intertwine, making the grieving process unpredictable and unique for each person.

In such a vulnerable state, the role of empathy and support cannot be overstated. Professionals in hospice care and grief counseling consistently emphasize the importance of being mindful and considerate with our words when interacting with someone who is grieving. Here are some key points to remember:

Acknowledge the Uniqueness of Each Grieving Process: Every individual’s response to loss is different. What might seem like an appropriate response to one person could be distressing to another. Recognizing this individuality is essential.

Avoid Generalizations and Assumptions: It’s important not to make assumptions about how a person should grieve or what they should be feeling. Phrases that generalize or trivialize their experience can be more hurtful than helpful.

Offer Specific Help: Instead of vague offers of assistance, be specific. Offer to run errands, prepare a meal, or help with arrangements. This type of support can be more practical and appreciated.

Listen More, Speak Less: Often, the most comforting thing you can do is simply listen. Allow them to share their thoughts and feelings without feeling the need to fill the silence with words.

Respect the Silence: Understand that sometimes, a grieving person might not want to talk, and that’s okay. Being present, even in silence, can be a powerful form of support.

Avoid Clichés and Platitudes: Phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “Time heals all wounds” can come off as insensitive. It’s better to express your condolences in a way that acknowledges their loss and your inability to truly understand their pain.

Encourage Expression of Emotions: Grief can manifest in various ways. Encourage the bereaved to express their grief in the manner most comfortable for them, whether it’s through tears, talking, writing, or art.

Be Patient and Persistent: Grief doesn’t have a set timeline. Be patient and consistently offer your support. Check in on them regularly, even after the initial period of loss.

Seek Professional Help When Necessary: Recognize when the grief is overwhelming, and suggest professional help if you feel it’s needed. Hospice care and grief counselors are trained to handle complex emotions associated with grief. Understanding the intricacies of grief and approaching it with empathy and mindfulness is crucial. By being sensitive to the individual needs of the grieving person and offering your support thoughtfully, you can provide a comforting and supportive presence during their time of need. This approach, endorsed by experts in hospice care and grief counseling, is instrumental in helping individuals navigate the challenging journey of grief.

“Grief, no matter where it comes from, can only be resolved by connecting to other people.” – Thomas Horn, Actor and Conservationist

Common Phrases to Avoid

In navigating the delicate process of supporting someone in grief, the words we choose to express our condolences and empathy are of immense significance. The impact of our language on those experiencing loss can be profound, often leaving lasting impressions. To guide us in these sensitive interactions, insights from grief counselors and the personal experiences of those in mourning offer invaluable guidance. These professionals and individuals, who have firsthand experience with grief’s complexities, highlight the importance of thoughtful communication. They underscore that certain commonly used phrases, though often well-intentioned, can inadvertently cause more harm than comfort to the bereaved.

This section delves into a compilation of specific phrases that are advisable to avoid when speaking with someone in grief. The selection of these phrases is based on extensive feedback from grief counselors, who draw upon their professional experiences in hospice care and grief support settings, and from individuals who have personally navigated the tumultuous journey of mourning. Their shared experiences provide a rich resource for understanding the nuances of grief communication. These phrases, though commonly used in attempts to offer solace, have been identified as potentially hurtful or dismissive of the complex emotions that accompany loss. The intention is not just to list these phrases but to foster a deeper understanding of why they might be unhelpful or even damaging, and to encourage more empathetic and supportive ways of communicating with those who are grieving.

• “How are you doing?” – This can feel overwhelming to answer.

• “You’ll be okay after a while.” – This minimizes their pain.

• “I understand how you feel.” – Each grief experience is unique.

• “You shouldn’t feel that way.” – Invalidates their feelings.

• “Stop crying.” – Implies their grief is not valid.

• “At least he’s in a better place; his suffering is over.” – Can feel dismissive.

• “At least she lived a long life. Many people die young.” – This comparison can hurt.

• “She brought this on herself.”

• “Aren’t you over him yet? He’s been dead for a while now.”

• “There is a reason for everything.”

• “God’s in charge.”

• “She was such a good person; God wanted her to be with Him.”

• “Just give it time. Time heals.”

• “You’re young; you can still have other children.”

• “You’ll do better next time in love.”

• “It was just a dog or cat. You can get another one.”

• “Stay busy. Don’t think about it.”

• “You have to be strong for your spouse, children, mother, etc.”

• “Just move on.”

Alternative Ways to Express Support

In the delicate context of providing support to someone who is grieving, the choice of words can make a significant difference. Recognizing the potential harm that certain phrases can cause, it’s equally important to explore alternative ways of expressing support that are more empathetic and considerate. This section aims to provide thoughtful and compassionate alternatives to the common, yet often unintentionally hurtful, phrases that people might use when trying to comfort someone in grief.

The essence of offering support to a grieving person lies in acknowledging their pain and validating their feelings. It’s about being present in a way that shows genuine care and understanding, without inadvertently minimizing their loss or rushing their process of healing. The alternative phrases and forms of support suggested here are based on the principles of empathetic communication and have been informed by insights from professionals in grief counseling and hospice care.

These alternatives are not just about finding the ‘right’ things to say. They are about creating a space where the bereaved can feel heard, understood, and not alone in their journey of grief. The goal is to offer words that can bring comfort, show solidarity, and respect the individuality of their grieving process. By providing these thoughtful alternatives, we aim to guide readers in how to offer a comforting presence that truly resonates with those in mourning, fostering a deeper connection and a more meaningful support system in their time of need.

• “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

• “I wish I had the right words. Please know I care, and I’m here for you.”

• “You and your loved ones are in my prayers.”

• “I can’t imagine how you feel.” Then, actively listen.

• “I’m here for you,” and offer specific help if possible.

• “Can I go to the funeral?” to show your support.

• “Want to talk about what happened?” allowing them to share their story.

• Be present.

• Share a positive memory about the person who’s gone.

• Show empathy and let your feelings be seen.

• Continue reaching out, even months later.

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing… not healing, not curing… that is a friend who cares.” – Henri Nouwen, Dutch Catholic Priest and Theologian

What to Do When You’re Unsure

Approaching someone who is grieving can be daunting, especially when you’re uncertain about what to say.  It’s a situation many of us encounter, and handling it with grace and sensitivity is crucial.

The uncertainty about what to say stems from a fear of saying something that might inadvertently cause more pain or discomfort. This feeling is completely natural and understandable. Grief is complex, and each person’s experience with it is deeply personal, making it challenging to find words that feel appropriate and comforting.

However, it’s important to remember that your presence and intention to support can be incredibly meaningful, even when you struggle to find the perfect words. This section emphasizes the value of honesty and simplicity in such situations. Expressing your uncertainty openly can often be more comforting than offering clichéd phrases or advice. It reflects your genuine concern and acknowledges the depth and seriousness of their grief.

By saying something like, “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care,” or “I wish I had the right words, just know I’m here for you,” you convey your empathy and willingness to support them in their grief. This approach is honest and heartfelt, and it can provide a sense of comfort and connection to the grieving individual. It shows that you are there to share in their pain, even if you can’t find the perfect words to express it.

 The focus is on the importance of being authentic in your interactions and the power of simply being present for someone during their time of grief. It’s about offering support in a way that is respectful, kind, and genuinely attuned to the needs of the grieving person.

Additional Ways to Help

Beyond choosing the right words, there are numerous ways to offer practical and meaningful support to someone who is grieving. These forms of assistance can be incredibly valuable, particularly as they address the everyday challenges that a person in mourning might face. Hospice counselors and grief support professionals often emphasize the significance of these non-verbal forms of support, which can be as impactful as, if not more than, spoken words.

• Assisting with Daily Tasks: Grief can be all-consuming, making everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Offering to help with chores, such as grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, or childcare, can provide immense relief.
• Being Consistently Present: Consistency is key in grief support. Regular check-ins, either through calls, texts, or visits, can make a world of difference. It reassures the grieving person that they are not alone in their journey.
• Listening Actively: Sometimes, the best way to support someone is by being an attentive listener. Let them talk about their loved one, their memories, and their feelings, without feeling the need to offer solutions or judgments.
• Sitting in Silence: Comfort can also be found in silent companionship. Just sitting beside someone in silence can be a powerful way of showing support.
• Encouraging Self-Care: Gently encourage the bereaved to take care of themselves. This can include reminding them to eat, rest, or engage in activities that they find soothing or healing.
• Helping with Funeral Arrangements: If the person is in the midst of making funeral arrangements, offer your assistance. Handling logistics or making phone calls on their behalf can alleviate some of their burdens.
• Providing Resources: Share information about grief counseling, support groups, or helpful reading material. However, do this sensitively and without pressure.
• Remembering Important Dates: Acknowledge important dates like anniversaries, birthdays, or other significant days that might be particularly challenging.
• Offering a Distraction: At times, offering to take the person out for a walk, a movie, or another activity can provide a brief respite from their grief.
• Respecting Their Process: Everyone grieves differently. Respecting their process and giving them space when they need it is crucial.
• Support for Long-term Healing: Understand that grief doesn’t have an expiration date. Continue your support over the long term, as the person navigates through their journey of healing.

Navigating conversations and interactions with someone in grief is a delicate task that requires sensitivity, compassion, and thoughtfulness. It’s important to remember that the goal is not to fix their pain — a task that is neither possible nor the responsibility of a support person. Instead, the aim is to offer comfort and support through their difficult time.

This involves being mindful of the words we use and avoiding phrases that might inadvertently cause more pain. However, it also includes the many non-verbal ways we can show our care and support, from helping with daily tasks to simply being present. Each gesture, no matter how small, can contribute significantly to the healing process of someone in grief.

Moreover, it’s crucial to recognize that grief is a deeply personal and often unpredictable journey. What offers solace to one person may not work for another. Thus, being attentive to the unique needs and preferences of the grieving individual is essential.

In conclusion, supporting someone in grief is about providing a space where they feel heard, understood, and not alone. It’s about offering a balance of empathetic listening, practical support, and consistent presence. By doing so, we can help them navigate their journey of grief with a bit more ease, reminding them that they are surrounded by love and care during one of life’s most challenging times.